Sunday, November 04, 2012

"Middle Aged" Introspection

Turning a year older this year seemed to go by in a blur last weekend, which was perfect.  I had been getting some preemptive anxiety about the number, and the notion that by now I should have a clue about what I want to be when I grow up.

Hell, I think I am supposed to be a grown up by now! Although both the thought of that expectation, and the knowledge that I thought I would at least have all the middle aged trimmings in place by now, and clearly don't, makes me want to put myself into a brace position every now and then.  The kind when there is no seat in front of you.  But then the idea of being settled into things like Marriage, Mortgage and Maternity make me even more anxious, and frankly, nauseous! Scary stuff indeed!

The idea that I would be homeless and jobless, single and a little aimless at this age is staggering - imagine if I told my 15 year old self that!

A conversation last month with one of my longest and most impact-ful friends (in terms of spurring on considerations, decisions, and life directions in each other), had raised this very thought...what would my 20-years-younger self think of myself now. We talked about the crazy decisions we made when we were younger, and whether this has set us back in years, in terms of the path we want now.

When I was in High School, and picking my subjects for the all important final VCE years, all I wanted to be when I grew up with the doctor at the Hawthorn Football Club.  Wow, that makes me laugh now!!

I would love to tell that 15 year old self that she should pick the subjects that she likes and is good at, instead of the fruitless map for medicine.  That a change in that decision may well have fast-tracked where I am now gives me pause.  I mean, would I have ended up on this current path at all if I had stuck with Humanities!? Who knows.

Although, at the same time, I do believe that all decisions are stepping stones to get you where you are now, and where you will be in the future.  If I didn't pick all of those science subjects, I would not have gotten into Melbourne Uni for that first year, would not have moved out of Ballarat and into Medley Hall, and met some amazing people.  If I didn't fail Chemistry in that first year, as I was more focused on learning how to drink beer than attending class, I would not have searched for something else, and stumbled upon the Disability Studies course at Deakin...and so on, and so on!

The idea that a blog post I stumbled upon three years ago would set me on my current study plan blows my mind!  I am staring down the barrel of finishing my second Masters now, and feel like I have so very many options to move forward to.

Maybe too many options, because I am now have having trouble narrowing down a direction!  But a luxury indeed!

I have worked in the corporate world for the last 6 years, and finally broke free of that, knowing that it is not for me, that it did not make me happy, nor feel like it was somewhere I belonged. I mean, it served it's purpose with sorting out my post-UK travel finances, gave me some solid mental health work skills and experience, set me up for some amazing travels, and allowed me the luxury of not having to work this year since April in order to complete my MSW placement (and overseas at that). I am taking my time to finish these final subjects, and recover from the near burn-out of my old job...ready for the next adventure, whatever that may be!

I would really love to tell my 15 year old self not to worry about things, that great things fall into place.  That she will work from that age to now, earning every awesome thing and experience that comes her way in the next 20 years, and that she will do some seriously amazing things over those years.  That in 20 years time she will be pretty content, despite the absence of all the things people think she should be or have - and so she really needs to stop listening to people!


  1. I think there's too much of an expectation that we should have our shit together by a certain age. Having our shit together doesn't mean we will enjoy our life.
    I feel so happy to have met you - you are an awesome, admirable person and I have lots of fun with you. Would the alternate path you may have taken age 15 made you a blogger?

    1. Oh, thanks Carly!

      Who knows! Maybe I would have started blogging sooner? Maybe I would have been a better writer.

      Although the clinical reports from my work has lead me to keep the blog going, to be an alternative writing you never know! Ha!


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